November 20, 2012

As far as I’m concerned, the line that one would have to step over for me to endorse having a video flagged would be either a blatant violation of copyright or slander. Being in violation of the law is what I would see as a reason to bring the video down. Now, I don’t know whether there were any actual threats in that video, whether they contain any actual credible threats. And no, I don’t consider “go die in a fire” or “I hope someone rapes you” or “I wish you’d get run over by a bus” or “go stuff a dead porcupine up your ass”, I don’t consider those in any universe to even remotely qualify as threats. 

Even if you’re a raging dick, even if you’re an asshole, even if you’re completely full of shit, unless you’re in violation of some law somewhere, I think you should be able to say what you want. And if this guy wasn’t really slandering me and if he wasn’t actually threatening me, why would anybody flag that video down? I’m much more upset at the fact that his free speech was violated.

If only every woman with a mental disorder like ADHD was as adequate regarding online communication and contents as this woman is. Not in a sense that their mind should be as calm and that they shouldn’t be easily offended (which obviously won’t happen because of ADHD), but in a sense that they should understand how different they are from this woman, and why. 

I’m afraid they often don’t have a single clue. 

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June 14, 2012
ADHD coaching nonsense

There seem to be many axis where an ADDer may find themselves at either end of a scale, sometimes fixed there and sometimes moving from one end to the other. My ADD girlfriend is so different from me that sometimes I’m amazed we have the same “disorder”, we are opposites on some ADD traits but share many ADD too. Here is a short table of these opposite traits, with the more energetic, mainly positive traits on the right. These traits may correspond in part to the categories of hyperactive/inattentive but overall there is little correlation:

Quiet Mind <—————-> Busy Mind
Tired/lethargic <—————-> Lots of energy
Difficult to activate <—————-> Loves new tasks
Quiet <—————-> Talkative
Bored often <—————-> Seldom bored
Controlled <—————-> Impulsive
Hyper-focussed <—————-> Unable to concentrate
Day dreams <—————-> Seldom dreams, seeks external input
Depressed, negative <—————-> Happy, positive
Poor self-esteem <—————-> Good self-esteem
More adherence to rules <—————-> Less adherence to rules
Procrastinates <—————-> Rushes tasks
Tendency to cannabis addiction <—————-> Tendency to alcohol, cocaine addiction
No ability to plan, envision own future <—————-> Plans ahead, sets goals
Poor time sense <—————-> Good time sense (how long things take)
Forgets past <—————-> Remembers past
Creative, right brained <—————-> Logical, left brained

- The Many Opposites of ADHD

When I read this and the rest of the post, as well as other posts on that blog, I feel like I am being lied to. When I read it, I feel like money matters more than the truth. When I read it, I feel helpless. I feel like my mind is being abused. Yes, that’s exactly how intense it feels. Am I sensitive to bad logic? Am I sensitive to what’s being written about ADHD? Is it my AS side that has such a reaction to this? I am not sure.

It makes ADHD sound like it’s so complex and, more importantly — that it fits everyone. Based on this description, ADHD is something as amorphous and hard to explain as God is: it doesn’t follow logic, it’s “different and the same” at the same time (just think about the “greatness” of this sentence), I’m sure it can also be a donut if God desires. This post makes ADHD sound more elusive and hard to explain than it really is, it makes possible to manipulate the ADHD idea in any way one desires. It makes it possible to assign “traits” to it and create a mythological trait table with whatever words there that you choose. Likes donuts — likes pancakes. Goes to sleep early — plays Diablo 3 all night. Likes to leave water-closet lid open — likes to close water-closet lid. You can come up with your own ADHD traits theory following these examples.

Quiet Mind <—————-> Busy Mind

There’s no such thing as as a quiet mind with ADHD, period. ADHD by definition means a distracted, anxious mind with a varying degree, based on the severity of a person’s ADHD.

Tired/lethargic <—————-> Lots of energy

This relates to that ADHD myth that ADHD means having lots of energy, when to me it sounds absolutely irrelevant to ADHD topic. I don’t think that people with ADHD have any more energy than others. In the case of ADHD the energy is simply being spent inefficiently and is directed at many things at once instead of being focused and controlled. This is another fictitious trait in a mythological trait table, pulled straight out of the ass.

Difficult to activate <—————-> Loves new tasks

This is wrong. The real scale should sound something like this: mildly impaired executive function — severely impaired executive function. Because “loving new tasks” and having “difficulty to activate” are just two sides of the same thing and they increase or lower together and should be on one side of the scale. So, to add this all together, the real points on the scale should sound like:

Mildly impaired executive function (mild difficulty to activate on tasks, mild tendency to start new tasks) <—————-> severely impaired executive function (severe difficulty to activate on tasks, severe tendency to start new tasks).

Quiet <—————-> Talkative

This is like adding “being skinny” and “being fat” to an ADHD scale as “traits”. These have nothing to do with ADHD itself, although they can be affected by ADHD. As an example, ADHD can cause an anxiety, which in turn could cause overeating. But it doesn’t mean that “being skinny” and “being fat” are ADHD traits.

Bored often <—————-> Seldom bored

If you’re seldom bored — you have a mild ADHD, or no ADHD, if it’s not a problem for you.

Controlled <—————-> Impulsive

There’s no such thing as “controlled” on ADHD scale. ADHD by definition means not having enough control related to either mental, physical activities or both.

Hyper-focussed <—————-> Unable to concentrate

These shouldn’t be on the opposite sides of the scale, just like with the “difficulty to activate” and with “loving new tasks” example above. These so called “traits” should both be on one side of the scale.

Day dreams <—————-> Seldom dreams, seeks external input

I think for ADDers there’s no difference in the kind of input their brains are attracted to. Whatever is more stimulating at any given moment — it gets picked up by a brain, no matter if it’s internal or external stimulation.

Depressed, negative <—————-> Happy, positive

There are no happy people with an executive dysfunction that is severe enough to amount to ADHD. Absolutely none. Happiness shouldn’t even be on the scale. ADHD is an imbalance. There’s no happiness in having an imbalance whatsoever.

Poor self-esteem <—————-> Good self-esteem

(Farting sound).

More adherence to rules <—————-> Less adherence to rules

This one actually sounds reasonable, compared to other points on this table. Except that I think adhering or not adhering to rules do not directly correlate with a severity of ADHD (a severity of an imbalance). There are other variables in play here. Just because someone has a severe attention deficit, it doesn’t mean that they will break the rules uncontrollably.

Tendency to cannabis addiction <—————-> Tendency to alcohol, cocaine addiction

Surprising that it’s even an axis. What’s in between?

No ability to plan, envision own future <—————-> Plans ahead, sets goals

Generally there should only be one axis: mild ADHD — severe ADHD, but then wouldn’t it sound so complex? Hm, wait, I think we don’t want to make things more complex than they really are. Right? At least I don’t.

Poor time sense <—————-> Good time sense (how long things take)

Same problem as in the point above.

Forgets past <—————-> Remembers past

ADHD is not related to a long term memory, as far as I know.

Creative, right brained <—————-> Logical, left brained

I think this post is an insult to the logic and to the truth. No offense.

(Written in unmedicated state, but I thought about this topic in a medicated state before, which means that I’ve already had some ideas in my mind).

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June 7, 2012
Positive traits of everyone: ADHD

Why would a few known entrepreneurs, actors and inventors with ADHD be a good reason to believe that ADHD itself is a good thing? Few people will seriously state that being deaf, blind or paralized is a positive trait, although I’m sure there were successful people with all of these difficulties, like Steven Hawking, Beethoven, Ray Charles and many other people I’m ashamed I don’t list because I don’t know them. I see ADHD as having eyes of certain color. Nobody will say that because you have blue eyes you are great musician. And because you have brown eyes you are a great doctor. These things are not related to each other.

If a person has certain talents and certain difficulties, it makes him want to develop his talents more to make his difficulties less important. Surely, if you are blind and love music, becoming great at playng piano or a guitar will be much more natural than becoming a manager. It’s not because you are blind and it’s so great, but because these talents and difficulties work better with each other. Great difficulties could also amplify the use of the talents or developing abilities. If you can’t do much more than writing, then obviously that’s what you will be focused on. Even if you don’t have a great ability for that, you can still surpass other people with better abilities who are less focused on writing.

If you have ADHD, you might be more inclined to become an artist, musician, actor, entrepreneur or a freelancer. Not because you have ADHD but because it’s natural to choose a path that correlates with your talents more and doesn’t make your weaknesses get in your way too much.

But for some people ADHD is even more impairing. What if Steven Hawking would have a musical talent but was bad at everything that is required to be a good scientist? Could he be as successful with the same difficulties that he has? I realy doubt it, because he would need much more complex technology to be able to use his musical talents than he is using now to be able to speak and write books. With a good technology he probably would be able to compose music using computer software (although it would be really slow as using a mouse is much faster than the controller he uses now), but it’s absolutely 100% clear that he wouldn’t be able to play a real musical instrument. It’s also 100% clear that if he didn’t have his computer now, he wouldn’t be able to write a single sentence. His work depends on his technology a lot. Few people in their right minds would suggest that Steven’s condition itself is a gift in a sense that it brings advantages other than no ability to play poker.

I have the same problems with the idea that ADHD itself is a gift. It’s bullshit, plain and simple. Something that stinks. I have read quite a lot of ADHD related articles but I’ve never read or saw anything that would explain how ADHD made particular successful person’s life easier. As far as I’m concerned, nobody ever came out and said “I’m glad I have ADHD and here’s why”. One time I’ve read someone commenting like that on the internet. Later he wrote another comment saying that since university started, he change his mind. I am not saying that because I deny successes of people who have ADHD. I have some of my own. I am saying that because I think there are much more people for whom ADHD is a much bigger curse than a gift.

Now I will quote sources of interest: one and two. I am finishing writing this post a lot later and I already forgot which exact pages I’ve got these quotes from, but they are there, or in the archive here or here.

If ADD is a genetically inherited, neurological difference that brings both good and bad, then the doctors have immediately excluded all the functioning ADDers by their definition. This is deliberate selection of “disordered ADD” only. The well ADDers are excluded, they may have challenges but their strengths help them overcome them and survive in society. The doctors, including Barkley, have really not done any research on this, maybe one day they will but it seems likely that neuro-typical people would be reluctant to define experiments to prove that they do not measure up to people they classify as disordered? Some of Barkley’s statements have the feel of prejudice, it appears it would take an overwhelming amount of evidence to change his opinions.

Barkley is not interested in searching for functioning ADDers because functioning ADDers do not need help and it’s as irrelevant as searching for functioning people with the difficulties I mentioned above. What difference does it make for the treatment research if you find more successful people with hearing problems?

ADD/ADHD is a disorder. Anyone who tells otherwise is deluded or tries to delude others.

ADD has caused me problems with work and relationships, brought me addictions and depression and prevented me from achieving goals - not that I have many goals as I find it hard to even contemplate the future. But if I had a button to press to remove my ADD, I would not press it.

The doctors, including Barkley, have really not done any research on this, maybe one day they will but it seems likely that neuro-typical people would be reluctant to define experiments to prove that they do not measure up to people they classify as disordered?

If we agree that people with ADD develop addictions and don’t achieve their own goals more often than other people, isn’t that enough proof that they do not measure up at least in achieving their goals? (Unless they don’t believe achieving goals is important, so that it’s not a big problem if they don’t). What if someone with ADD wants to be able to contemplate the future and achieve his goals?

It was hard for me to contemplate the future too, because when I wanted to achieve a goal that I set to myself, I just couldn’t do it. I knew what I needed to do, I knew how to do it, but I couldn’t do it. Then I found out about ADHD and that for ADDers achieving what they want often doesn’t happen, at least on time, which is the problem some ADDers want to fix, even though they are often happy with their other talents. If they keep having their ADHD symptoms, it’s frustrating to keep having goals because they don’t get achieved regardless of intentions.

There is no scope (nor ever has been) for medicine to define strengths, abilities or attributes. If you review the DSM IV diagnostic criteria for ADHD, they mandate significant problems or disorders before you can even get a diagnosis. If ADD is a genetically inherited, neurological difference that brings both good and bad, then the doctors have immediately excluded all the functioning ADDers by their definition. This is deliberate selection of “disordered ADD” only.

Not everyone considers their inability to plan and achieve goals a disorder. If someone thinks that it’s not a disorder, then I think it’s safe to say that it isn’t. If you have ADHD, the treatment obviously is not mandatory at all. But I’m sure most people’s ADHD symptoms are too hard to deal with.

I *personally* knew about 15 people for whom ADHD is not gift for sure, not including people I’ve met on ADHD meetings. Should I be thinking about 15 people I knew personally, including myself, or a few known names considered to be ADHD, some of which are probably dead long time ago?

I like my constant craving for new interesting things, my perfectionism, humour, out-of-the-box thinking, creativity and rule breaking. If my neuro-chemistry were returned to “normal” then I would lose these attributes too. Some might argue that these positive attributes are not part of ADD but they certainly are part of the “differences” package that has set me apart for nearly fifty years.

I like my creativity too, but because my mind always seeks for something new and interesting, I find it hard to finish creative projects that I want to finish. Or I just can’t stop improving them sometimes even when I know that I have to start doing another project soon. Or I fiddle with unimportant details for far too long and the more important parts of the work don’t get done. Sometimes I don’t mean to cross the road on a red light but I get distracted by something or will be daydreaming and it happens. Although nothing serious ever happened but I know that often people get into trouble because of their distractability or harm others, on the road for example. I know that people with ADHD are much less focused on the road. One ADDer at the meeting told me that he was excited about riding a bike and then he found that he wants to go faster and faster and realized that he was addicted to that feeling.

Even though there are no double-blind studies proving the benefits of ADD, lack of proof does not equate to non-existence. Dr. Barkley has not been looking for positives, nor have any other scientists - positives are pretty hard to test for.

Yes, it’s hard to test positive aspects of ADHD like craving for stimulation, perfectionism and rule-breaking. But it’s easy to test negative aspects that are usually listed as ADHD symptoms which are used to diagnose someone with ADHD. Important thing is that ADHD is hard to diagnose because it’s not very clear what exactly is a positive thing and what is a negative thing. Something might sound like a positive thing if you look at it from one point, but from another point it’s not positive at all. I think to understand how positive something is, we have to look how perfectionism, for example, is affecting a person in real life situations. This will help to determine if perfectionism is just the will to do better or it’s a craving for stimulation that the task produces. Usually tasks ADDers have trouble with and want to do are not stimulating enough.

I do however find that the usual lists of benefits for ADD seem to fit with the ADD people I know, much more so than for people without ADD.

Things listed above fit the most people with ADHD that I know, me included. But in my case I’m not very good at humor, because one of the ADHD problems makes it hard fo me to remember funny stories or retrieve them from my memory.

Maybe its a little like horoscopes - if you list flattering attributes then everyone will agree they have them? I also find it easy to “diagnose” people around me with “undiagnosed” ADD, as well as people in the media, authors, TV presenters, comics and actors in movies?

ADDers definitely like to agree that they have the positive attributes if they sound positive. For example, if someone says to me that I am a perfectionist and always try to do things good, it makes me feel good. Successful people definitely look like they have positive attributes and that’s why it’s nice to hear similar things about yourself too.

It seems that their ADD got them those jobs in the first place, the ADD that makes them funny, engaging and interesting. I have found that I have unconsciously sought people with ADD as friends, colleagues and partners over the years. It seems it is common for ADDers to connect with other people with ADD, people who maybe talk quickly, humorously, alight on different topics and keep their boredom away?

I connected to ADDers very often in my life and I have them in my family. Often they were struggling with relationships, achieving goals, making money and addictions. They were generally unhappy. Also, because ADDers crave for stimulation often, they get stimulated by a out-of-the-box behaviour of other ADDers who are craving for something new all the time too.

Just because the ADD brain is different, it is not necessarily inferior. ADD brains are not broken, some parts are a little smaller, some parts a little bigger, some parts operate more quickly, some more slowly. Would it not be logical to conclude that this means people with ADD can do some things better and some things worse?

My brain is quite good at logic, I think, and also at thinking visually. And at music, whatever part of the brain is used for that. But my working memory doesn’t work so good, I get distracted because my brain seeks for stimulation and follows it. So many things that my brain is good at are worsened by ADHD symptoms. That’s why ADHD bothers me.

The major difference in ADD is with our “weaker” frontal lobes, these lobes came late in evolution to help people operate in a tribe - to obey the rules, to be patient, to keep our emotions in check, to plan for the future. If our frontal lobes are less in charge it is inevitable that we will break rules, get bored and be more emotional. But then with weaker control it also seems inevitable that more people with ADD rule-breaking-boredom would become explorers, inventors, artists and comics? For mankind as a whole it is probably beneficial that 95% follow convention and the rules but that 5% break rules, connect new ideas, create and don’t conform. These people bring change.

Rule-breaking-boredom is probably what attributed to… Ah, yes. “ADD has caused me problems with work and relationships, brought me addictions and depression and prevented me from achieving goals”.

The source is saying that 1) ADD caused him all those problems and then 2) it seemed inevitable that he also (like those successful people in the media) would become an explorer or inventor or an artist or a comic? Quite a stretch connecting those dots together. Is it being emotional, bored, or breaking the rules of logic?

Let’s go further. How the ADD coaching works then and what exactly it teaches to do? If it’s inevitable that ADDers will break rules, get bored and be more emotional. If weaker control is inevitable positive thing, then how the ADD coaching will help people to get the control that they need? To become an explorer you have to concentrate, unless, really, you want to explore a desert. Some ADDers live in London all their life and find it pretty hard to explore. For inventing, I am not good at sciences and that’s OK, but if a wheel and a lightbulb were already invented before (someone got by with less) then for inventing them now (sarcasm) I will need a lot more knowledge in sciences. Many ADDers have problems with reading efficiently. I wanted to be an artist once but it requires concentration and ability to not seek for new and interesting things but learn human anatomy, all the muscles, bones, and practice constantly, which is not easy with ADHD symptoms that I will list below.

  • Often avoids, dislikes, or doesn’t want to do things that take a lot of mental effort for a long period (such as schoolwork or homework).
  • Often does not follow instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions).

I did a design work, I guess I can call myself a designer. Without an education. Because following conventions are not in my nature for sure. (Not that I could do it if I wanted. And I did.) Hard to be a comic when you can’t remember an anecdote, but ADD person I know admits he can’t remember an anecdote still tries. And yes, he’s better than me at that so ADD brains are different for sure, at least in one trait that is not related to ADHD in any way. His humor however is quite simple in structure. To bad he’s often depressed or chasing stimulation on the internet and doesn’t leave home often.

Not every inventor or entrepreneur has ADD, nor is everyone with ADD an entrepreneur.

Let’s try to use our perfectionism and interest and simplify this sentence by removing the word “inventor” first.

“Not every entrepreneur has ADD, nor is everyone with ADD an entrepreneur.”

That’s clearer. Let’s leave only the meaning now. (Update: Because I have ADHD, I’m too distracted to learn English grammar, but from what I think is true, “nor” in this sentence doesn’t make any sense at all logically, it doesn’t add anything to the sentence the way it is used. That’s why, to get to the essence of this, I remove it. Now it’s a good time to doubt myself, because I can’t really explain why it is so at this moment of time, but I decided that long time ago and thought about it, so here’s my conclusion. I had better reasoning of this simplification process written down, but I’ve lost it, unfortunately).

Basically, what I came up with after simplifying this is:

“Not every entrepreneur has ADD, every entrepreneur has ADD”.

Makes sense? This sentence doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s a contradiction.

ADDers, in their usual state, like making connections! Especially lightning-fast connections. And sometimes connections that aren’t logical at all.

If our frontal lobes are less in charge it is inevitable that we will break rules, get bored and be more emotional. But then with weaker control it also seems inevitable that more people with ADD rule-breaking-boredom would become explorers, inventors, artists and comics?

If not every entrepreneur has ADD, it means that if successful entrepreneur has ADD, then it’s logical to conclude that ADD doesn’t necessarily contribute to his success. How do we know if it does? Why many ADDers are unsuccessful? We will get to that soon.

I also find it easy to “diagnose” people around me with “undiagnosed” ADD, as well as people in the media, authors, TV presenters, comics and actors in movies?

If it’s easy to “diagnose” people with “undiagnosed” ADD then it’s logical that it’s easy to see if someone doesn’t have ADD.

I do however find that the usual lists of benefits for ADD seem to fit with the ADD people I know, much more so than for people without ADD. Maybe its a little like horoscopes - if you list flattering attributes then everyone will agree they have them?

Yes. Benefits like perfectionism, creativity, exploring for new possibilities are often attributes that everyone will agree they have, they are generally good attributes for everyone. Even the most successful people in the world likely look like they have them.

It is fair to say that ADD people have different traits from normal (neuro-typical) people.

Sure, these traits are part of the diagnostic criteria for ADD.

Many of these traits cause problems but some can bring unique strengths especially if recognised and embraced.

Which of these “traits” do you think can bring unique strenghts?

  • Often making careless mistakes when having to work on uninteresting or difficult projects
  • Often having difficulty keeping attention during work, or holding down a job for a significant amount of time
  • Often having difficulty concentrating on conversations
  • Having trouble finishing projects that have already been started
  • Often having difficulty organizing for the completion of tasks
  • Avoiding or delaying in starting projects that require a lot of thought
  • Often misplacing or having difficulty finding things at home or at work
  • Disorganized personal items (sometimes old and useless to the individual) causing excessive “clutter” (in the home, car, etc.)
  • Often distracted by activity or noise
  • Often having problems remembering appointments or obligations, or inconveniently changing plans on a regular basis
Even though there are no double-blind studies proving the benefits of ADD, lack of proof does not equate to non-existence.

The author is saying that even though there are no double-blind studies that prove that the symptoms used to diagnose ADDers listed above are the benefits, the lack of proof doesn’t mean that they are not.

Dr. Barkley has not been looking for positives, nor have any other scientists - positives are pretty hard to test for.

Yes. It’s better to use these negative “traits” to diagnose people with ADHD because positives are hard to test for, and, like the author is saying, “if you just list flattering attributes then everyone will agree they have them”.

I like my conistant craving for new interesting things, my perfectionism, humour, out-of-the-box thinking, creativity and rule breaking.

Yes. I like to agree that I have those too (but not humor, unfortunately). Barkley is doing exactly that, rather than trying to diagnose ADHD by finding the positive traits that everyone will likely agree they have he looks at people who have symptoms of ADHD and is aiming to treat exactly those symptoms. Medicine is the science and art of healing. Healthy people do not need healing. I don’t even think that someone who’s happy with his ADHD should call it ADHD.

People with ADHD often do not get help because everyone sees more positive side of their traits but a negative side is not so easy to see for others and even for themselves. Many ADDers struggle to explain why they feel bad when they come to a doctor and why their traits like perfectionism and craving for new things, that seem to be positive, are making them unhappy.

(This post was 90% written in medicated state, several months ago, and updated a little bit at the day of the posting. I really doubt that this could be written in unmedicated state. Why? Because processing information, analyzing it efficiently and coming up with good reasoning (that isn’t just f* words) requires a good enough working memory.

Of course, there are no positive traits in ADHD. See my earlier post Imbalance, not a difference.)

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May 30, 2012
Gifted children and ADHD

How can it be that the very tasks that most gifted children find so easy are the ones that give those with ADD the most trouble? Part of the problem is their advanced skills. A child who can think out complex problems and is primarily a holistic learner resists the more usual step-by-step sequential style taught by schools. However, most gifted children can perform sequential and repetitious tasks even though they prefer not to do them, and may resist if asked to do them over and over. Those with ADD have trouble performing these tasks any time, resist doing them even when they would be beneficial and cannot vary the style used for learning. Thus, gifted children without ADD may not like doing 30 examples of newly learned math problems for homework, but they can do them. Those with ADD cannot. Unfortunately, when gifted children are placed in programs where the work is far too easy for them, differentiating “won’t” from “can’t” is very difficult.

Gifted children with AD/HD often have high personal and interpersonal expectations. However, they frequently experience underachievement because there is consistent variability in their performance. They are occasionally on target and as productive as expected. At other times they are susceptible to distractions from high levels of “internal” stimuli (thoughts) as well as from kinesthetic or external visual and auditory stimuli. Then they are not able to maintain the previous level of performance.

The gifted child with AD/HD is most often well intentioned, wanting to please and motivated towards achievment, bot frustrated, because performance can vary without any apparent identifiable motivational difference. The child may develop a learned strategy of perfectionism as over-compensation to increase the likelyhood of achievement.

The gifted child without ADHD has a much higher likelihood of achievement than the gifted child with ADHD if strong motivation, equal degrees of perfectionism, and a distracting environment in which to accomplish the task are the same. More frequent payoff to gifted children without ADHD means that their persistent perfectionism will be reinforced. Their self-esteem and belief in their ability to accomplish the goal (the positive side of perfectionism) will be threngthened. The gifted child with ADHD, in the other hand, is more likely to experience the negative side of perfectionism. The marked contrast between hith expectations and the reality of consistently inconsistent performance can leave the child’s self-esteem looking like car after a demolition derby, and may, over time, discourage the child from attempting to try to do his or her best.

— PDF article, the source is lost

I really like this quote, it’s a very good description of how different life of a child with ADHD is from a “normal” child.

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May 30, 2012
How to tell if medication is working?

I wrote this to help someone who starts medication to better understand whether it’s working or not and not get confused about it. It’s hard when you feel it working, you kick ass, and then suddenly you find yourself failing and your self-esteem gets hit again and you blame yourself. And then you try to understand what’s going on.

I have an experience with Concerta and here’s what’s true for me:

  • I always feel it working within 2 hours if it works at all. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. No need to search for the effect that isn’t there. If the dose stopped working and didn’t work for 2 days, it didn’t work on any other days unless I took a couple of days off, and it happened once. I was developing tolerance in a few days for every dose I was on before and on some transitions I didn’t feel any change, it wasn’t working.
  • How to know if the dose is effective and you’re not just got used to it? With the difference that I was getting, I’m sure it’s impossible to get used to it in 5 days after years of living with ADD. And if you want to make sure, it’s easy. Just test at any time you know there’s no medication in your system and then take it and see if there’s any difference within 2 hours. Generally, if you feel like it doesn’t work, you are right. Logically, if you have ADD and it makes you suffer, then you will notice for sure when there will be changes. It’s hard for me to believe that someone who really suffers from it should work hard to find the effect of medication
  • When it works, my mind becomes clear and I can follow back my thought process. It’s efficient, there’s much less of accidental thoughts in it. Before I couldn’t do it because it was all over the place: thoughts, sounds, everythinig at once.
  • The working memory improves and it feels like instead of me having tasks like “Buy food” and “Call a friend and ask if he’s free today” constantly repeating in my head to not lose them, they just stick in my memory like sticky notes on the wall. Creating those notes is simple and fast and access to them is almost instant. I tested it by trying to store some words there and then do something else for a while and trying to get access to them later. Worked surprisingly good. The most surprising was the effectiveness in both storing and accessing the information, something that I’ve never experienced before. I noticed that I also can store visuals there. For example, imaginary markers that I can mentally put in different spots of the supermarket to remember where to go next.
  • When trying to tell a story from the past to someone, I noticed that I have clearer access to my memory and the ability to focus on situations long enough to recollect finer details. And working memory stored more information which means that coming up with several conversation threads and juggling them became possible. I was pleasantly surprised with how much faster I could formulate my thoughts, come up with things to talk about. It was just so much more easier and enjoyable.
  • I found that a good way to test an attention is turning on a video with people talking, looking at it and trying to remember some situation from the past and describe it with as much detail as possible in a linear fashion. What will most likely happen if you have ADD is that you won’t be able to focus on this intention and your focus will switch to what is happening in the video, to the words you hear or to the images. As it happens you lose the intention or things you remembered and suddenly you’re focusing on something else. Retrieving memories in a linear fashion is a particular difficulty with ADD. I found that without pills I am able to tell some random parts of the story jumping back and forth on a time line, parts that seem to be more interesting. But trying to tell the story from start to end will be nearly impossible without the background music at the very least. Very slow at best.
  • I can do only one thing I decide to do and not anything that’s not exactly it. I can still come up with a better idea in the process and decide that I should be doing something else, but my decision to change the task will be much more controlled and I will change it knowing what was my original task and being able to make a solid decision.

(This post was written months ago, in medicated state. I only post it now though.)

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May 23, 2012
On high doses

I wrote this post (actually a comment) months ago, but I am posting it only now, because then I was worried that somebody will read it and will think that I am being too whatever.

If it helps, the dose is right, no matter how high it is. I think that undermedicating is not any better than overmedicating, I’ve read someone’s post where they said that their doctor told them that, and they were on 180mg or something like that. If he says he can’t concentrate otherwise, obviously it’s important for him and no surprise he wants to stay on that dose, I would too, knowing how bad it is to not being able to concentrate. I wouldn’t be surprised if he will need to go higher but if not, that’s great.
 
To me personally, being ADHD causes WAY more pain than many possible physical things that can happen including headache, feeling shaky or something else. Way more. I would agree to have a bad headache every night for 3 hours if it would mean that I will be able to live normally during the day. Physical things like headache or feeling cold are just physical things. Me, I didn’t even bother often to wear warm clothes because to me cold never was a scary thing even if it was really uncomfortable by other people’s measures, it’s not really uncomfortable for me because ADHD is what made me always feel worse than that. Emotional pain from not being able to socialize normally and do all things that are hard with ADHD is way more serious and damaging than physical stuff. Surely, not all physical stuff, but you know what I mean.
 
To me the issue of fear of high doses for people with ADHD feels much like a fear of overdosing on water, when a person needs 3 liters a day, let’s say, and they give him only 1.5 liters because they fear if he goes higher he might decide to overdose and go crazy. I think most of people with ADHD don’t give a slightest crap about overdosing, at least those who are smart enough to understand they have this issue and what it is. They need what they need to get that balance that lets them focus. And sadly if they ask for 3 liters they risk to look like addicts to other people even though that’s really just what they need! If I need 3 liters of water a day and I’m given 1.5, then I will feel like I need more. At first if I didn’t get 0.5 liters a day before I might feel very happy after I get it, very happy. But it doesn’t mean that my body will stop wanting more. It doesn’t mean that I will be focused on water after I get the normal amount. If I’m too focused on it right now then it’s only because that’s what I need. Does it mean that I will become a water addict once I get the right amount of it? Do you know many water addicts other than people in Africa who have real water deficit? I wouldn’t be surprised if they are obsessed or at least look that way to people who don’t get it, running around with their buckets searching for it, trying to make it clean like it’s so important. So what should we do, treat them like they have an addiction or understand that they just aren’t getting enough of it?
 
I feel sad that people with ADHD are often misunderstood like that, and the absolutely normal need to get a higher dose might actually result in the opposite happening because someone doesn’t get it and decides that’s wrong. The difference is between chasing high feeling and chasing an ability to concentrate, and these are very, very different things. What I’ve read from doctors and my own logic says that no matter how high the dose looks, if it doesn’t give you an ability to concentrate it’s not the right dose. In my case, if it works at first and doesn’t work later, it’s not the right dose.

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May 16, 2012
Me and my ADHD journey

I am a very nice person. Creative, loving music and art. The problem is my ADHD.

I have spent around a year of time and lots of money (I received it, let’s say, by luck, as my ADHD really made it hard to earn enough by myself) to get diagnosed, to test medication and to reach a stable dose. Finally I have found that medication works and that tolerance build up is not endless. There is a certain optimal dose, depending on a person, I believe. It’s a big luck that I had so much free time to increase the dose gradually as my tolerance build up. 99% of people are not able to spend months on medication trials and titration without working. If I had to work during all the titration process, I believe it would be a huge problem for me, close to impossible actually.

But my struggles do not end there, because it’s not all that simple, unfortunately. I had to prove to my psych that the dose works, otherwise I’d be left without it or I’d be switched to another (more expensive) medication just to go around in circles with different medications and dosages, which would cost me a fortune and there would be no end to it. I felt that it should work and that the only problem was the dose and the tolerance build up, and almost without a doubt it turned out to be right.

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May 1, 2012
Music and me

Music was always something I loved very much. Started in childhood. I was singing and pretending that I play a guitar. I made myself drums out of the cardboard boxes, cans and pots. And I even had one real drum with sticks when I was about 10.

I can’t play any musical instrument on a good enough level to be able to show other people what I can do. My ADHD means that it’s hard for me to concentrate on learning musical theory. I did some music and it’s online to listen, but I don’t promote it, because I find it silly as it’s years old and it took me effort to make it, more effort than it would probably take if I didn’t have ADHD.

At the time, I was always unhappy with what I did, partly because my self-esteem was down due to ADHD. So even though the result was pretty good, my self-esteem was too fucked up to show it to somebody. And if I did, people would say that it’s good and they would assume that I am a musician; or they would ask if I am doing something like DJ’ing or something, and then they would be asking why not. It was always hard to explain the ADHD part, which means that because of my imbalance I couldn’t leverage my talent the way I could have done it without ADHD, I couldn’t improve myself at making music as fast as it would be possible without ADHD, and even after I’d make some good music, I couldn’t be focused enough to do anything with it except for uploading it online and hoping that somebody would find it. That’s what I did.

I have been learning to play a keyboard for some time, never focusing on the music theory as much — just on being able to use my fingers the right way. Now I want to play a guitar and the plan is the same. I can’t learn systematically as good as other people can, so it’s easier for me to skip some learning parts and try to do things that are easier for me. 

When it comes to singing, it was always hard for me to be able to remember lyrics. I love songs and I can sing pretty well if I can read lyrics from the paper, although even then my focus a weak part and I still have to be really interested in that song to be able to sing it again and again if I need to. Without the lyrics in front of me — it’s hard to sing, unless I know the song very well. And even then, my focus depends on my surroundings. 

When it comes to remembering melodies, however, I think I’m a lot better. I don’t want to remember ugly melodies anyway, right? And beautiful melodies are easier to remember, although I didn’t really test this ability in me because there was never any need.

All I know is that music is something that always helps me. Sometimes it’s everything that I have. I use it as a dopamine provider which helps to concentrate, I use it to improve my mood by, again, stimulating my brain. I use it to feel deep emotions. Sometimes it’s the only thing that I could use to say: hey, you’re saying that I’m bad, or you see bad intentions where there aren’t any, how about you listen to this, you fuck, and then say that what you say about me is true. Music is not the only thing I have, fortunately. But maybe it’s the important thing.

Tell me about your special things via replies or “ask” page. I’d like to know.

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April 5, 2012

I am really thankful for this video, because I think I was misunderstood similarly in my life. I think some people thought that I was on something like PCP (I didn’t even know what that was before I saw this video). Thankfully, I haven’t had problems with the law, just general misunderstanding, which was still painful enough. Thanks, Scotty. 

I will also be sharing something useful about AS in my blog. Stay tuned.

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April 2, 2012

Some time ago my view was that almost the only way to help people with ADHD is medication. Because it helps. It helps to concentrate, it helps to focus. But it’s not all there is. It’s not the only important thing. It’s not the only thing. Yes, ability to concentrate on things for a longer periods of time is a good ability, but is it only good? Does it have any drawbacks? You will not know until you have that experience of being able to concentrate better. Just as when you live in a different country, the grass may look greener in another, but even if it is greener, you may find that greener grass attracts squirrels who like to run around on it all day. You may find that you have a squirrel allergy (turns out, I do have a bad case of squirrel allergy), which means that you can’t really enjoy  the greener grass you were dreaming about (btw, I don’t mean any drugs here). It’s just one example. Here’s more: more happiness, cooler music, bigger paycheck, better looking girls, guys, cheaper good, better food, healthier food, better looking food (I mean, on pictures in magazines or on shelves). The list continues, depending on your preferences — whatever you think will make you happier.

The point is that sometimes we place too much emphasis on one thing. It may be as important as we think, but it may be not. I think it depends on some other variables. It depends on other talents that you have.

For example, since I started taking medication, I started to care less about music, the melody. Why? Because I became better at communicating, listening, paying attention. I am good at creating melodies, even if only in my head. Very good. I don’t need to touch any musical instrument for years to be able to improvise in my mind and create a melody. I don’t need to even know where A is on a keyboard. Knew that a couple of years ago but forgot by now and I don’t really care. Why? Because coming up with beautiful melodies in my head is something I am very good фею And because I suck at learning the music theory, firstly. And I don’t care about learning it, secondly. Unless I need it to be able to turn my mental improvisation into something other people can hear. I mean that if it is in sync with my other talents, I’m willing to improve at it. Enough to get me on the stage, metaphorically speaking. I mean enough to get the lowest score that would let me pass the music theory exam. I mean enough to be able to not be taking that exam. Still too metaphorical? Ok, what I really mean is that you have a set of talents and abilities, a unique set. You may either go against the flow of your natural abilities, or you can go with it. Or any other possible direction in between. (I’m trying to explain serious things here).

So, the way I see it, you have to find out what your talents are (not as easy to do) and then make sure that you’re not moving the wrong way. Or “moving the right way”. Or moving the wrong way. Or… I’m blabbing, because I don’t have to make sense to everyone and be good at everything. Oh, back to ADHD coaching. I think there is such a thing. And I think that a good ADHD coaching is about helping people to use their talents better. Contrary to what I thought some time ago, using your natural talents may be better than trying to develop abilities that are not your talents, not your strenghts, and you likely may not even care to develop them, because deep inside you feel that it’s not what you should be doing, not what you like to do. But others tell you otherwise and it’s hard not to be affected, so you start to believe that you’re not good at anything. Then you get depressed…


P.S. By the way, I really like this this blond girl. Her British accent is probably the cutest I’ve ever heard.

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April 2, 2012
The way you are

Just because your room is a mess, dust is laying around and you have some crap like bear cans under your bed, or empty food packages in the corner, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have something beautiful hanging on the wall. Like a picture or some nice art. Understand? You don’t have to follow cliches. If you’re messy and you know you don’t care, maybe you just need to accept it and play along. Maybe you just care much more about something else!

I would have thought that if I were to have nice paintings on my walls, trash in the corner just doesn’t belong in the same space. I would have thought that these things can’t possibly exist together at the same time. What would people think? The thing is that if you have AS (or ADHD for that matter), either way you’re unbalanced. You have some strong qualities, maybe very strong; and some weak ones, maybe very weak ones. If you will keep trying to correct your weaknesses all the time, you may never even notice your strenghts for what they really are.

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November 4, 2011
ADHD as an Imbalance

Thanks to youmeadhd for writing this and adding to discussion. Her tumblr is worth to follow.

I like your recent post on ADD and connections. Your post gives others perspective that others may not agree with.

That said, I agree with your point about working memory. I know that my shitty working memory that comes with my ADHD definitely makes me have to work harder. It’s documented that my perceptual reasoning and my writing abilities far exceed my working memory…making me just average. It takes me back to my high school years of feeling, “OMG. I’m not dumb! Why can’t I succeed in school?!?!?!?! I’m smarter than this!!!!” I am glad to know that my working memory is partly the cause of the problem and not just me being lazy, stupid or crazy.

Today, I still struggle with forgetting little things here and there every single day, like lunch and my work badge, to even forgetting what I was doing 5 minutes ago or acting on every little single thought that pops up in my head that is not related to the task at hand. Although my working memory is a barrier, I am a believer of all people with or without ADHD focusing on their strengths. When people focus on becoming stronger in what they’re good at, they become even better.

The statement about “perceptional reasoning and writing abilities exceeding the working memory” confirms what I say in the post about ADHD being an imbalance, not a difference.

I think the first solution everyone should seek for is a good ADHD treatment. Only after that (or if it doesn’t work, which unfortunately might happen) I would suggest reading books about techniques to compensate for ADHD. Some people have severe ADHD and there’s really no way to compensate for that with any techniques. Only to cope. There is a difference between compensating and coping.

And if there is a way to compensate, then it’s not really a severe or impairing enough ADHD, which is a reason to feel happy, but not a reason to to tell other people that their ADHD can be compensated for as easily. They may be unsure and confused enough because of ADHD. And as they hear these positive talks from other people who supposedly have ADHD, it’s not much different from usual “You should try harder” that they are used to hear. It doesn’t help.

I am more concerned about people who do have severe enough ADHD to suffer from it. They are sometimes led to believe that they can compensate fine by learning some techniques that they don’t know yet. I can say from my experience with medication so far that there’s no way in the world that I could get the same result from anything else. Although I surely did learn in the past and improved by doing that, without any doubt. It’s always possible to improve, the question is which way is better.

(I will likely be writing about that more.)

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November 3, 2011
Do ADHD minds love connections?

Yes. Is it a positive thing in having ADHD? Sounds like it is if you describe it nicely, but really — hell no.

Why not? It’s not a simple question, but I will try to explain it gradually. Speaking from an experience with my own mind at least, ADDers’ working memory usually is not strong enough to make use of that ability. It’s like having strong arms but having legs that are too weak to carry your weight, say, for longer than 10 minutes.

Some people like to speak about this supposedly advantage of ADHD minds — making connections. What this means, to use an analogy above, is: “Oh, your arms are so strong and you can lift a lot of weight without a problem! You just have to learn to use this advantage.” Yes, but they forget about the “weak legs”. Making connection ability is useless if you don’t have good enough working memory to even remember them.

Imbalance (see previous post) can never be an advantage. Imbalance doesn’t cause happiness. At most, it can provide a better motivation to use the abilities that you have. Animals have different strenghts and weaknesses. For example, some are very fast but weak, others are strong but slow. No matter how fast and cool Cheetah is, if you throw this animal into the ocean, it will not even compete with a tiny fish. OK, but what would happen if you were a Cheetah and you were, for some reason, very slow? What would happen is you would have to specialize only in cooking for others at home, at best.

So basically people who are saying that ADDers are great at making connections and how cool it is are saying that being a slow cheetah can be great. Why? Because elephants are doing just fine.

I think for humans strenghts and weaknesses are usual and there’s no problem in that. But having ADHD means an imbalance that is too big to let a person to live a normal life and do many things that he or she want. To tell these people that they just have to find a better way to use their advantage means to delude them.

Yes, ADD brains are making connections, but they are making random connections, even when a person really wants to do something else instead. There’s no control over it! Why ADD often correlates with anxiety? Because anxiety, I think, is something similar to ADDer’s brain uncontrollably making useless connections. Few people would say that anxiety can be a positive thing.

Not that ADD mind has other choice but to make connections, but yes, I think some of these connections can be quite useful. But there’s not enough working memory to store them and there’s not enough of working memory capacity to assess their relevance and there’s no good ability to stop making connections by will.

Some ADDers have high intelligence, like Torrey. Here’s what he wrote: “So I went to the doctor, did all those standard tests, and my suspicions were confirmed. I had, apparently, an attention deficit much worse than even most ADHD sufferers. Essentially, there was a 17 point gap measured between my intellectual ability and processing speed compared to the normative population. That is, my general intelligence was 17 percentage points higher than my processing speed.”

I consider my case to be quite similar. And Saga’s case too. Yes, intelligent or otherwise talented ADDers can still do certain tasks better than some other people, but it doesn’t mean that their ADD gives them that intelligence and those talents and serves as an advantage. 

Please reblog this post, or like it. If you read it, agree and don’t do anything, you’re an ass please consider it. Leave a comment with your thoughts on this, if you’re ADDer.

(Written in medicated state).

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November 2, 2011
Imbalance, Not a Difference

Dear ADHDeeperceivers. Never. Ever. Try. To explain yourselves to your judger fellows! Their brains just can’t access what you can. So, sometimes you do better by shutting up, sure if you want to keep your judger-friends near.

“Judgers like closure, like things sorted, planned and done and dusted. Perceivers try to keep things open ended and avoid closure. So a judger can seem pushy to a perceiver and a perceiver can seem vague and erratic to a judger. A strong judger will also be decisive in their opinions and seem forceful to the perceiver who will be thinking, ‘how can you be so certain?’ To a question, a judger will tend to give a definite answer but a perceiver will tend to answer with another question - wanting to take in more data before they commit to a final judgement.

Again these two types can complement each other. Perceivers are flexible and happy to explore all possibilities so they are good for the start of exploring a development but once everything has been considered, the judger is better at pinning it all down. Also, coping with a ‘spanner in the works’ is the domain of the perceiver. A strong judger will be unsettled if something does not go to plan, the perceiver is usually happy with the distraction!”

— adhd-saga

I think this idea is similar to hunters and farmers theory of ADHD. And it will help me to prove a point. First, I think the quote above shows a very positive and simple way to explain complex things. People like theories like this because they give hope that being a certain way can be a good thing. You only have to find how to use it.

If we play with this judgers and perceivers theory, then one thing we can be sure about. If you are a perceiver, you need a judger to complement you. And you also need to trust a judger on the thing that he does best. Because you’re not a judger, you can’t completely understand judger’s decisions by definition and you don’t have the ability to understand what they understand. Only thing is left for you as a perceiver is to trust that a judger does his thing best and focus on your thing.

If you will try to do judger’s work, first of all it will be insulting to him. Why do you need him if you don’t think he’s a good judger? Secondly, if you will be busy supervising and interfering with his work, then you will not be doing you part best. It would be bad for both.

Now back to real ADHD. I wouldn’t like to think of myself as perceiver. Wouldn’t help me at all because I don’t think that being dependent on someone else that much is great.

ADHD is not a difference. It’s imbalance that doesn’t let you to use your abilities fully. Because, to offer an analogy, you have the processor of the latest computer and RAM of an ancient calculator. It’s an imbalance, it’s not a difference. That’s the whole point of ADHD as a disorder — the distinction between being better, more talented or more interested in particular things, versus being similarly unable to focus on absolutely everything even if you really want to.

What will happen if a person who will complement your weaknesses with his strengths has the same gap between processor’s and RAM’s power, only the other way around? You will both be using only a part of your best ability’s potential.

And another thing is — it’s important to have both abilities at a good level at the same time to do anything good, because as far as my tech knowledge goes, if you connect both computers with wires through fastest interface, the speed of that data transfer will still be substantially lower and you’d get worse results than if you had one balanced system instead.

I don’t mean to say that it’s more important than love and friendship, if you really found them.

For me ADHD means a similar imbalance in the brain, when you have parts that are working great, but some important part doesn’t work good enough to complement everything else. So a person’s talents and abilities do not get used at their full potential. Other explanations I know, including that one above, are complete BS, except for the part that it’s obviously better to align with people who can do something that you can’t do yourself.

(Written in medicated state.)

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October 23, 2011
On Being Understanding

Girls, understand that you can’t put responsibility on a guy and want a decision to be yours at the same time. Not quite a realistic expectation. ADD girls as ADD guys tend to hyperfocus on a smallest negative thing and then not notice that the big picture really is not that bad. At the same time we tend to miss an important details in a big picture, which might be the most important details that change the whole meaning of that picture! And they get missed. Cool, huh? Not so cool for ADDers, but it’s cool that I discovered it.

Read more

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